Montaigne's Philosophy of True Friendship
Michel de Montaigne, one of the most important French thinkers of the Renaissance, wrote his essay Of Friendship as a heartfelt tribute to his closest friend, Étienne de La Boétie. But beyond this personal remembrance, the essay presents a deep exploration of what true friendship is and how rare it is to find. Montaigne believes that most relationships in life are built on need, duty, or social custom—but true friendship is something much deeper: a connection between souls.
The Uniqueness of Soul-Level Friendship
Montaigne’s essay is the idea that true friendship cannot be explained by practical reasons.
“If you press me to tell why I loved him, I feel that this cannot be expressed, except by answering: Because it was he, because it was I.”
Montaigne expresses that true friendship is beyond logic,it is not something we choose because of advantage, status, or similarity—it just happens, naturally and sincerely. Montaigne compares it to a blending of two souls, so close that they lose their separateness.This level of closeness, is incredibly rare and can happen only once in a lifetime—if at all.
“Our souls mingle and blend with each other so completely that they efface the seam that joined them.”
A Tribute to Étienne de La Boétie
Montaigne’s essay is more than just philosophical—it is deeply personal. His friendship with La Boétie was sudden and intense. They were both highly educated and had a strong intellectual connection, but their bond was rooted in trust, love, and total understanding. When La Boétie died at the age of 32, Montaigne was heartbroken.
“Since the day I lost him, I only drag wearily on.”
His mourning reveals that friendship, to Montaigne, was not just emotional but vital to his very sense of self. He felt truly known, truly accepted—something few people experience even once in their lives.
Friendship vs. Other Relationships
Montaigne boldly says that friendship is greater than family bonds or even romantic love. While those relationships are often valuable, they are usually shaped by duty, custom, or need. Marriage in his time, for example, was often arranged and rarely based on personal choice.
“The entrance and progress of this friendship has no other spring than choice.”
Unlike family, which we are born into, friendship is freely chosen. That freedom is what gives it value. When we choose someone as a true friend, with no obligation and no personal gain in mind, that relationship is purer and more lasting.
Intellectual and Emotional Bond
Montaigne also believed that true friendship involves both reason and emotion. It's not enough to have shared interests or feelings—it must also be based on mutual respect and moral alignment. The best friend is someone who makes you better, who challenges you, and who accepts you fully. He thought that such a person is extremely rare:
“The ordinary friendships, I speak of, are not so much friendships as acquaintances and familiarities.”
This shows that real friendship is different from social relationships. Many people have companions or coworkers or even people they love—but few have a friend who knows their true self, without judgment or conditions.In a world that is often fast-paced and full of shallow connections, Montaigne's vision of friendship—deep, rare, spiritual—is both inspiring and comforting. It teaches us to value emotional honesty, loyalty, and mutual understanding.
Conclusion: A Rare and Precious Bond
In “Of Friendship”, Montaigne offers a timeless vision of what true friendship should be. Inspired by his own experience with La Boétie, he shows that real friendship is more than affection—it is a blending of two souls, chosen freely and deeply connected. It is rare, hard to explain, and impossible to replace. Montaigne teaches us that while life gives us many relationships, only a few—if any—will reach the level of true friendship. Those that do should be honoured, remembered, and cherished.
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